No.254

1 – Please store all fireworks in a dry, sealed tin.
2 – Please make sure that the tin that you use to store your fireworks is not the same tin that you use to store your treacle toffee and/or parkin. Toffee-soaked Roman candles may smell nice, but they form the consistency of napalm, and can in fact be fatal.
3 — Whilst constructing your bonfire you may come across a family of friendly hedgehogs. Do not attempt to rescue these — not only will their prickly spikes probably pierce your perfect skin, but they also enjoy being toasted to death.
4 — Although the Designated Bonfire and Fireworks Fun Zone will probably be muddy, we recommend dressing in smart clothes so as not to be mistaken for an effigy of Guy Fawkes.
5 — If you can feel warmth from the bonfire, you’re too close. Be sure to stand back — or better still go home, lock your doors and watch a video of a bonfire on your computer. Youtube has lots to choose from, often with exhilarating soundtracks.
6 — If you choose to watch a video of a bonfire on your home computer, please remember that the screen should be approximately at arm’s length, and at no point should you throw a bucket of water over your monitor or shove a fork into an unused plug socket during a fit of virtual-bonfire-induced excitement.
7 — Have fun!