No.405

SCUPPERED:

Life has winners, and life has losers. You're looking at a guy who unfortunately slots quite easily into the latter category.

He doesn't have any mates, he can't hold on to steady employment, he's lactose, gluten and caffeine intolerant, whenever he ventures outside, he's immediately attacked by herds of indignant pigeons, his PS2, so worn out from years of solitary play, can only run a banged-up copy of The Sopranos: Road to Respect that crashes halfway through the third mission, he's had athlete's foot for ten years and to top it all off, his gran (who he cohabitates with) has just left him in charge of house-keeping while she prances around the Caribbean for a month with a man named Kai.

He has managed to scrape a few small victories over the course of his life. Just take that cardigan – made from his gran's prized curtains. That'll show her.